"Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."

i'm just now learning to see things with the heart, and here's something i've started to see recently: i have some really amazing friends. they are people who truly like me for who i am,
who are always eager to spend time with me and listen to what i have to say,
who never judge me,
who don't keep me around merely for the things i can do for them,
who are willing to do favors,
who are willing to go out of their way for me,
who aren't embarrassed by me when i act like a fool,
who aren't embarrassed by me, period.

i'm not always a good friend. if we're friends, you know by now that i will never remember your birthday. i'll probably forget to call or email for several months. i will forget your new last name when you get married.

but.

there are some things i'm really good at. i'll remember stupid things like the name of your neighbor's cat who scratched you in the face when you were three, leading to your ensuing fear of cats. and neighbors. i'll know the contents of your closet, and be able to tell what articles of clothing you like to wear the most. i'll go shopping and wait while you try on four pair of the same pants to find the ones that fit best. i'll help you move. i'll help you paint. i'll help babysit your kids. i'll take you out for a drink when you've had a bad day.

i'm starting to realize that some of the friends i've made over the past few years aren't willing to do the same for me. i have some friends who seem to like me because of what i can do for them, not because they want to hang out with me. i don't get invited to things. i'm not included. i'm not sure they actually like me.

and if you know anything about my self-esteem issues or insecurities, the main one is that i have trouble believing that people like me.

so, for those of you who i've been a bad friend to, i'm sorry. it's something i'm going to work on in the next few months, because i know what it's like to be cast aside. i'm going to email and call more. i'm going to try to remember your married names. i'm going to ask about your kids/husbands/boyfrieds/pets/favorite sports teams/whatever else is important to you when i talk to you.

don't be surprised if i still forget your birthday though.

ps: here's the translation for that quote: And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

this is august 16. day 5.