this will be a long one. prepare yourselves.

WARNING: THE FIRST PORTION OF THIS BLOG IS NOT FUNNY. ITS MY OWN PSYCHOANALYTICAL RAMBLINGS AND IT WILL BE DIFFICULT TO READ (LOTS OF RUN ONS) AND PROBABLY BORING FOR ALL THOSE INVOLVED (INCLUDING MYSELF). FEEL FREE TO SCROLL DOWN TO WHERE IT SAYS "HERE IS THE FUNNY PART.

"i'm under attack again my dear, i'm in the way
got no resolutions, no clever anecdotes to say
and still if i yell at the top of my lungs will it be the same?"

nostalgia is a funny thing. for me, at least. i've discovered that i have a tendency to feel nostalgia for things i never had. i realized this for the first time a few months ago when i got to thinking about the tv show "The Wonder Years" and i was missing that show. but i didn't know if i was missing the show because i liked the show or because it reminded me of my childhood. but did it remind me of my childhood because i watched it as a child or because it took place during kevin arnold's childhood? or was it making me miss a childhood in the 60's that i never had? why was a so melencholy when i was thinking about it? maybe melencholy isn't the word. then last night i went to see the movie elizabethtown with my friend gwen. the bulk of the movie is set in a small town in kentucky, which made me a little sad because it reminded me of home. there are lots of shots of driving and the roads looked like home a little. not totally because there were lots of trees and very few cornfields, but it was a helluva lot closer than the desert and mountains. and then there was this small town. and i started feeling nostalgic for my childhood and my small town. but the small town wasn't really anything like jamestown. there was a courthouse. it wasn't really like an of the small towns i know. it wasn't like lebanon, because it was too small, and too big to be jamestown. the closest small town that i can think of is streator, but anyone who knows me very well know that streator just confuses me most of the time, and that i rarely miss it when i'm not there, or when i am there for that matter. and this really distubs me. why am i nostalgic for things that never happened in my life? is that normal? it can't be normal. nostalgia has two meanings: 1) a bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations from the past, and 2) the condition of being homesick; homesickness. i think there is an implied idea that these were events that a person actually experienced. how can i be nostalgic for the 1960's of the wonder years when it's probalby not accurate, and i didn't live through it.

and here is my fear: that one day, everyone will realize that i'm just faking it all. the happy, the sad, the funny, the smart, the... i just feel like my whole life i've been pretending to be this one person and i've never taken the time to figure out if that's really who i am. and if it is who i really am, i'm kind of depressed, because it's not a very impressive being. i think the thing that really scares me is how successfully i have faked it. i faked high school and got a scholarship. then i faked all of college, got a degree, great recommendations, an outstanding future educator award, a second place sports feature award, a diplome with a little sticker that says "cum laude," and a good job. now i've got my job, my career that i faked myself into, and i'm getting praise, BUT I'M STILL FAKING IT. people are telling me i'm a good teacher, and my students are telling other teachers that they can't believe it's my first year and that i'm so smart and it's all fake. i stand up in front of my classes for 80 minutes three times a day and i don't have a clue what i'm talking about. i'm currently teaching the poem "the waste land" in my modern lit class and if it wasn't for sparknotes.com, i wouldn't have a clue what it's about.

i have a friend from college, and we made a marriage pact. if we're not married by the time we turn 26, we marry each other. actually, it's by the time i turn 26, because my birthday is earlier. and pretty soon i'm going to turn 26 (two years isn't THAT soon, i reailze) and i'm going to plan to marry him and he'll tell me that he was joking all along and he thought i was too, and he doesn't want to marry me "because i'm like a sister to him" or some bullshit like that and it will break my heart.

last night i went out to eat with gwen and we had a pretty hot waiter named jared (who reminded me of the tv show the pretender and i started wondering if it was still on tv) who smiled at me an awful lot and i should have left him my number, but i didn't because i'm a big chicken.

by monday i'll be embarrased hat i wrote all this stuff on here and you all could read it, and you'll all be angry because it's not funny (at least it's not supposed to be) and worried because i seem so sad and this will go down as a negative memory. but oh well.

and i hate when i get like this because it's so pointless. i don't solve anything and i feel pathetic for being so neurotic about things that just do not matter because i am so lucky and i have no room to complain about anything. i always think of that line from ever after where anjelica houston says "some people read because they cannot think for themselves" and i wonder if that's me? i don't like thinking. there are never any answers and i just end up thinking in circles (much like i'm doing now) and i never feel as though i'm thinking deeply enough (somewhere along the line i developed this idea that if i'm not entertaining an internal conversation worthy of descartes or socrates, i'm not good enough) and so i just go read someone else's thoughts on the situation. is that why i like to read so much? to escape my own brain and just piggyback on someone else? my whole life i've been standing on the shoulders of giants, and half the time i end up convincing people that i am really that tall. and so i focus on other people's thoughts. i've made plans to spend my life teaching young people about other people's thoughts.

i worry that i'm out of touch with my emotions. my grandmother died in may and i've still yet to cry a lot about it. the tears never come at an appropriate time. almost half a year later and i hven't cried yet? am i a robot? is that why i listen to emo? i can't find my own emotions so i live vicariously through someone else's and then i just feel more pathetic because my emotions aren't like that. so i watch a movie to feel better and feel worse because i'm not in love or because i'm not as perfect as the characters, even thought i know that NO ONE is as perfect as movie characters and i know that life isn't a movie, but i still just really want it to be. i'm stopping now. if i don't i'll end up lying on my couch for the next seven hours watching pride and prejudice and eating half-burnt microwave popcorn. and here's the reason i hate episodes like this the most: because i know that i could change it, if i wanted to but i'm too lazy or uninspired or something. in the end, it's all my fault, and i can't blame it on anything or anyone else, so i decide that insted of obsessing about it or trying to change it, i'll keep on faking it and burying my emotions and ignoring what the nostalgia means and be the same person everyone thinks i am, the person i've convinced myself that i am (most of the time) because it's easier and less painful.

HERE IS THE FUNNY PART

i have a kid in m modern lit class who looks like elijah wood. and i don't mean if you take off your glasses and glance up with your hair in your eyes he kind of resembles elijah wood if it's dark. the kid looks exactly like elijah wood. the first day he walked in i actually did at least a triple take and of course the first thought in my overactive imagination was "oh my gosh! elijah wood is researching a movie role and he's in my classroom!" but devon (the kid's name) is too tall to be elijah wood. he never says a word in my class. ever. i finally was talking to him the other day and i said i coudn't get over how much he looks like elijah wood. he said he hears it a lot and he used to have longer hair and he looked a lot like frodo. he hair is short and very black now. i told him not to worry if i star at him a lot in class, it's just because i can't get over the resemblance. i also told him i'm going to take a picture of him to show to everyone i know because i can't get over the resemblance.

i think a kid in my 8th period has a crush on me. the kids always tease him about flirting with me and the other day in class, another kid asked him when he was going to marry me. i pulled him aside after class and told him not to say anything about it anymore and he said okay, but i know i blushed about maroon when he said it in class. AWKWARD.one of my students told another teacher, who told me, that they can't believe it's my first year and i'm a really good teacher and i'm really smart, which made me feel good.

i made lunch yesterday for the whole english department (we take turns on fridays) and so i took a big crock pot of turkey vegetable soup and bread and two kinds of cookies and i have to say it was a huge hit. i am a rock star in my department. they love me, and i can't blame them. i have also recently discovered the joys of paying my bills online. SO MUCH EASIER.

the other day a kid in my class was wearing a shirt that said "define girlfriend" which would be funny if i was at a club and they guy was 25 and really hot. but when i'm in teacher mode and he's 17 and really spoiled it makes me think that i'll see him on the chanel 3 news for molesting drunk freshmen at a UNLV frat party.

here are some pictures from the last few weekends. most of the captions are messed up because it doesn't look the same when i'm composing it and i can't change it once i look at the preview... anyway, enjoy!!! (i promise, sometime i will clean my apartment and take pictures. but today is not that day.)