my cat is a sexual deviant...

saturday night, my friend alison came over to watch a movie and hang out, and my cat decided taht was the time to resurrect his "care bear humping extravaganza" that he debuted while staying with my friends sean and gwen. lucky the green care bear has been defiled. so guy is humping away, and i'm embarassed, and alison is scandalized (she's catholic, so she doesn't actually know how sex works...okay, we all know that's not true. those crazy catholics... but she was really scandalized), so i pick lucky up with two fingers so as to touch as little of him as humanly possible and threw lucky in my bedroom, telling him to be dirty in there like the rest of civilized society. apparently though, he's an exhibitionist as well as a miscreant, and he carries lucky back out into the dining room so that we all got to share in the joy of his masturbation. he has an appointment to become a eunich next tuesday.

so let me continue with some of the hijinks of my sabbatical in the crossroads of america (that's indiana, for those of you who weren't inculcated with that phrase from a very young age). i went to the art museum with heidi and lindsay to see an exhibition of wedding gowns. it was really cool. they had american gowns from different time periods as well as traditional wedding garments from all over the world. they had a little "interactive learning" space for kids, with kind of typical wedding dresses from each decade starting with 1800 or so and going to 1960 or something. unsurprisingly enough, my favorite was from the time period of jane austin. speaking of jane austin, here's a fun conversation that occurred while i was home:

sarah: oh, by the by lindsay, i need to stop at the atm.
lindsay: what does "by the by" mean?
sarah: it means, like, by the way.
lindsay: why would you say that?
heidi: because sometimes sarah thinks she's in a jane austin novel.

it's true.

anyway, we wandered around the parts of the museum that were open (not the europeans, though. sad) and there was one little room that had a video screen and seats--think very small theatre. we walked in and there was a bunch of red stuff on the screen and some very pulsating music, and thinking that we were the only ones in the room i blurted out, "is that an orgy?" it was then that i realized there was a couple about the age of my parents in the room. we left quickly.

let me talk about the bachelorette party. the non-cedar point version. we had dinner, and while we were waiting for our ice cream, jen (labrie) deem decided to make one of those paper fortune tellers out of her placemat. you know the ones with colors and then you spell it and then there are numbers inside and you count them while opening and closing it (i'm having trouble describing this without using my hands, obviously) and then there are fortunes inside. since it was a bachelorette party, jen made a dirty one. i don't remember all of the fortunes, but here are those that i do know:

2=his two lips, plus your two "lips" equals one curly mustache
3=three "accidental" slips toward the 'other hole' are not accidental...

i guess that's all i remember. but they were funny. if you know jen, this isn't surprising. if anyone knows any others, please post a comment to share with the world.

we left there and went roller skating, where we got free skate rental because lindsay was a bride-to-be (thank goodness she was wearing that ridiculous veil) and we had a blast. did you know there is this whole culture of people (kids--high school age) who hang out at the skating rink and breakdance on their roller skates? IT'S AMAZING!!!! it made me want to go...well, nothing really, but it was really cool. they had lindsay request a song, so of course she requested "baby got back," because, what else would she request, honestly? we're out there skating and guess who fell? lindsay. the bride was the only person who fell the entire night. it was HILARIOUS. she was pretty excited (sarcasm) that her knee would be all swollen and bruised on her honeymoon. we all tried to convince her that matt wouldn't be looking at her knee.

the next part of the plan was karaoke at some bar on tenth street, which, as it turns out, has karaoke on friday nights and live music on saturday. we were there on saturday. we thought there was karaoke at a different bar in avon so we went there, but there was no karaoke, just a dj and (miniscule) dance floor. this bar was pretty dive-tastic, and full of hendricks county's white trash. the dancing was pretty entertaining. heidi and i devised a game where we give everyone whom we don't like a new, sort of mean nickname. one very drunk lady who was in her mid fifties was out shaking her money maker while wearing white capri pants, so her name became fancy mcwhite pants. oh yeah, everyone got a 'mc' before their last name. well, most everyone. there was also seniorita salsa, fringe-y mcsequins (a shirt with fringe and sequins, because overkill is never enough), skinny pink tank top (the top was skinny, she was not), the striped shirt twins (two men wearing the same shirt--or close enough for us to make fun)... that might have been it.

by the end of the night it was lindsay, heidi, lauren and i. we were playing pool, having a good time, just the girls, when this guy comes over and says he and his friend want to play against us in pool. so we go over there and one guy was named stewart, and i forget the names of the other guys. now i had noticed stewart because he kept checking lauren out. he was quite the monet (looks good from far away, but up close it's just a big mess). heidi and i voted not to play because we suck at pool and it was more fun to make fun of the people in the bar. lindsay was pretty drunk by this point and had morphed into drunk voice. at one point she says to lauren "lauren, thish ish verrry imporrrrrtantt shhhot." this was really funny to me. and i kept repeating at random throughout the rest of the game. heidi and i gave nicknames to the three guys. one guy was sitting on a stool and not talking to anyone, so he became ugly mcwallflower. the other guy had a HUGE nose, and he kind of looked like an african mask, specifically the one that's in the aquarium in finding nemo. which made me think of nemo's nickname "shark bait -ooh ha ha. which of course means that his name became shark bait mc'ooh haha. it took us a while to get stewart's nickname tacked down, but we eventually setlled on stew-boo.

at one point, lindsay and lauren were losing, and lindsay and i didn't like that idea, so while everyone was distracted, we cheated and "nudged" some of their balls into the pockets until it was pretty even. so now it's the end of the game and stew-boo starts to line up a shot. and continued to line it up for FIVE MINUTES. at which time we started teasing and i repeated lindsay's line of "thish ish verrry imporrrrrtanntt shhhot." then he missed. and we died laughing. he walks over to where heidi and i had been heckling and starts telling us that we need to be nice to him and he's been nice to us, and all he wants is for us to not make fun of him. we start laughing, because we think he's joking, and he gets really mad. and starts yelling at us. heidi keeps laughing, because she apparently doesn't value her life and i'm trying to tell him that we'll be nice and get him to go away. he doesn't go away and keeps yelling. so lauren comes over and tries to diffuse the situation. it doesn't work. so his friend shark bait comes over and tries to diffuse the situation and stew-boo tries to fight him! so he leaves and we decide to leave also. as we're walking out, we ask one of the security guys to walk us out, and he agrees. stew-boo is already out at his car, but shark bait is walking out at the same time. he says to us that we shouldn't have done what we did and he was right to be mad!! we tried to tell him that we were teasing everyone equally and he had no reason to be mad, and then shark bait tries to start yelling at us. the security guy kind of diffused it and we all left, but it was the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me. and i've had a few crazy experiences. it's a better story in person, but this will have to do. i hope it's funny.

my cat is humping floyd, his other care bear, whom he carried in here to hump in front of me. pervert. at least he alternates between toys.

i went down to the strip today, which always makes me angry. here are some things that i feel tourists need to know:

• you're in vegas. not orlando. there is couture here. dior, fendi, burberry, prada, chanel, valentino. don't wear old t-shirts from the county fair. at least try to be clean.
  
• just because they sell 2-foot tall margaritas at 9am, it doesn't mean you should buy one. you look dumb. and the natives are laughing at you.
• if it looks like a fanny pack, buckles like a fanny pack, and sits above your groin like a fanny pack, it's a fanny pack. even if it says louis vuitton or gucci. and it's not okay.
• yes, the buildings are pretty and tall and there are lots of lights and many things to look at. this does not mean you are alowed to come to a complete halt in the middle of the walkway to look at said pretty things. move to the side.
• if you are going to walk slowly, at least walk in a straight line so people who have places to be can pass you. you only zigzag if you're trying to run and not get shot. if you zigzag while i'm trying to pass you, making it impossible for me to pass you, you might get shot. if i had a gun, that is. and not morals. and not conscience... okay, you might not get shot, but i'll bitch about you in my blog.
  
• if you don't know how to drive on a west coast freeway (fast, agressive), don't drive. let a taxi do it for you. because you'll be in my way, and i'll get angry.

that's it for now. i was at the paris hotel and they (understandibly) have tried to make it feel like paris (the city) inside the casino. but it donesn't, because there is absolutely NO dog shit on the floor. i looked.

i forgot to mention that we got home from cedar point at 5am (i was the only person in the car to be awake the entire ride home), giving me enough time to shower, eat breakfast and leave for church, where i had to sing at both services. i thought i was going to die at one point. i decided to drive down to the (one) gas station in roachdale and buy a can of monster (my energy drink of choice) and they don't sell energy drinks. just soda. i was so angry at that point i was wide awake. stupid gas station. i'm not bitter.

this is lengthy. and i think very incoherent. but whatever. bedtime.